Sin of Omission
by Satellite Falling
Summary: There are five things Jesse will never tell Susannah--and one thing he will!


Jesse was raised to be a God-fearing man. Perhaps 'fearing' was incorrect. Respectful seemed to be the proper term. Despite the state of limbo he found himself in for a century and a half, he could not turn his back on his God, no matter how many times he had threatened.

It was this relationship with God that oftentimes invoked his sense of guilt. Now that he was human, and even when he was a ghost, the temptation to give in to Susannah's wants just about drove him to forget every mass he ever attended and lay down in worship to her. Even thinking about her now had him blushing and grinning and feeling uncomfortable all in the same instance.

Interestingly, the only other times he ever felt guilty were also tied to Susannah. While it did not fit the true definition of a 'Sin of Omission' as defined by the church, he still felt the truths that he did not tell Susannah qualified as a sin in his mind, particularly when Susannah asked him specific questions to which he gave vague answers. While Jesse was raised to fear the wrath of God, to be an upright, law abiding, truth-telling individual, it was Susannah's wrath he feared the most. Which was why there are five things he will never admit to her.

**5. There was another girl.**

Jesse was not unhappy about breaking off his engagement with Maria. He knew his father would be upset regardless of the circumstances, but as Jesse rode up to the O'Neils' boarding house that night, he felt lighter than he had in a very long time. He would go on to Maria's house the following morning and inform her of his intent to cancel the engagement. He would then turn around and ride straight home, throughout the night if he had to. The next spare moment he had, he would ride to a farm 3 miles away from his father's ranch and ask the man of that farm if he could court his daughter.

Beth had startling green eyes and brown hair so long that it reached her waist. She rarely wore it down, but he loved it when she did and he sometimes imagined running his fingers through it. She was kind and soft spoken, but held strong to her opinions. They had been in the same grade at their small schoolhouse, but while Jesse turned his attention to the farm upon leaving school, Beth went on to college to become a teacher. She had returned to the area just before Jesse's father had announced his plans of marrying his son to a cousin he barely knew—the same cousin that would order her lover to murder him.

The first time Suze walked into the room Jesse had inhabited for so long, he instantly thought of Beth. He did a double-take, thinking for an instant that it was her body reincarnated. The minute Suze spoke to him, all thoughts of Beth were erased—there wasn't a chance that Beth would have ever spoken to him—or anyone— that way! But sometimes, even to this day, Jesse glances at Suze and catches a trace of the girl he once cared for and wonders if she followed him to a future where an unspoken love that began so long ago could finally make its way to the tip of their tongues.

**4. He followed her.**

He had never intended to. But curiosity over who this girl, this 'mediator' was, overrode his common sense. He only meant to see what she was like at school--did she act as tough there as she did with him? The problem was, the more he watched her, the more he wanted to.

He drew dividing lines in his head. It was definitely NOT okay to watch her in the shower. And while he wanted to, he did not feel it was right to follow her on dates. Appearing in a car when it seemed that a young man was taking advantage of her was a different story. He was only protecting her virtue, or so he told himself. It was okay to drop in on her at school throughout the day, just for a few moments, as long as he was careful to keep her from seeing him. Guilt would sometimes catch up with him, but he couldn't help it. He felt so alive watching her, seeing her with her friends, laughing, arguing, even just sitting there, staring out the window in class when she should have been paying attention to the lesson. The aura of life that radiated from her was infectious—the way it made him shine seemed to make the rest of his time seem so dark.

Even now, he will show up early at her college or her part-time job. Sometimes he watches from the car, sometimes from behind a tree or even from an out of the way table. It still amazes him how, even after all this time, once she comes into view the world stops for a moment while his breath catches in his throat. His heart begins to work in double time, trying to make up for the many years it didn't need to beat. While he sees the world through a different set of eyes now that he is alive, he can still see the powerful swirl of life that surrounds her. Stepping out from his hiding spot, he catches her in his arms, pulling her close enough to allow the force of her life swallow him whole.

**3. The first time he called her Querida, it wasn't in a very nice way.**

The night that Susannah decided she was going to take care of Heather on her own, Jesse had told her that she couldn't handle her on her own. And when Susannah argued that fact, as he knew he would, he told her, 'I don't think so _Querida_.'

He had meant it in a biting way—as in 'Oh really, I don't think so _sweetheart_.' How she had angered him that night—putting herself at risk like that! And when she became annoyed with him for calling her something in Spanish, Jesse felt a small glimmer of satisfaction that he could get such a reaction out of her—that something he could do would make her feel something toward him, even if it was irritation. He decided then and there to slip it in where he could, just to get a rise out of her—after all, she hadn't been overly kind to him in the short amount of time he had known her.

Despite his original intent of calling her _Querida_, the name quickly evolved for Jesse, becoming a mantra in his head and he meant it more every time he let it escape his lips.

**2. He has slept with her.**

This is the one thing that Jesse will always keep from Susannah, no matter the cost. He fears this act frames his weaknesses and displays them for all, or at least Susannah to see. It is too painful to look upon them himself, let alone have her see them.

After meeting Susannah, Jesse endured some of the darkest days of his life and his death. The days that he knew he could have lost her--like when those four teenage ghosts attacked them, or upon finding out Maria had come back and tried to harm her, or after finding out about Paul--were the worst for Jesse. He did not know if he could go on, or forgive himself if something had happened to her. Wracked with guilt, insecurity, but most of all wanting—wanting to be near her, hold her, have her love him as he loved her—he would stand over her as she slept. When he was sure she was in her deepest state of sleep, he would lie down beside her, gently wrapping his arm around her waist, burying his face in her hair.

Though he could not sleep, it was in those few brief moments that he allowed himself to dream.

**1. He would have killed Paul Slater.**

After Susannah had retrieved him from the Shadowland, Jesse believed he had released all of his anger and his bitterness over his premature death on Diego. He thought he had let it go, moved on, reconciled. But any thoughts of reconciliation with his situation immediately fell by the wayside the minute Paul Slater asked Jesse if Susannah moaned when he kissed her too. Paul threw more gasoline on the fire by reminding Jesse that couldn't even buy her a cup of coffee. Rage was too tame a word to describe the feeling that began deep within Jesse's gut and immediately spewed forth uncontrollably. Perhaps Paul was not the one that killed him, but Jesse died a thousand times more when Paul pointed out what Jesse had been trying for some time to forget. And Paul was going to pay for it all. Pay for everything that he could give and be to Susannah that Jesse could not. He was going to pay for it with his life. Fortunately, for both Paul and Jesse, Susannah took matters into her own hands, shifting Paul to the Shadowland before Jesse could follow though on his intent.

In some way, Jesse believed he and Paul were now even. Jesse had allowed him to live, and Paul, however unintentional his actions were, had given Jesse a new chance at life. Paul had given Jesse that chance to tell Susannah something he had been keeping from her since the beginning.

**The one thing Jesse will tell Susannah.**

He brings her out onto the roof just outside her bedroom window. They had spent hours out there talking while he was still a ghost. In fact, he had been lying out there the night he was killed. He had been looking up at the night, smiling as a girl with green eyes and brown hair flitted through his thoughts. That night, the night Diego stole away his future, he had believed the girl in his mind was Beth. But he knew differently now.

Propping himself up on his elbow, he leans in close to Susannah and asks her to marry him. Nodding through her tears is answer enough for him. It is then that he draws her into his chest, whispering the answer to the question she never had the courage to ask him…

'It was you that kept me here all this time. I was always waiting for you.'


End file.
